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As the leaves fall (poëm)

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wolf_guy
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Sep 11, 2017 4:24 pm

Unread post Sat Oct 21, 2017 8:24 pm

Another poëm I wrote a while ago. I'm not satisfied with the end part though :sad:
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InvisibleUnicorn
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Jul 28, 2017 7:28 pm

Unread post Sat Oct 21, 2017 8:30 pm

I think you did a good job with your poem it flows very well the only thing that I might do differently is add a little more repetition but other than that you did a good job :D

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Owlscrying
Posts: 1626
Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2017 3:21 am

Unread post Sun Oct 22, 2017 12:09 am

wolf_guy, beautifully written.

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Deeply emotional, liking expressive comparison of humanity and nature.


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D3F3ND3R
Posts: 40
Joined: Sat Oct 14, 2017 11:08 pm

Unread post Sun Oct 22, 2017 11:25 am

Your work wolf is actually pretty good, the only thing I would personally change is the comparisons between the characteristics of the tree and "Cursed with a layer of rust" as I'm sure this is an attempt to rhyme but rust has no similarities between man and the tree but your unique perception is what makes your work valuable and I think its excellent and much better than most I've seen on the site of my portfolio. I love your comparisons at the end that you wanted to change because if you see the hidden meaning by mans rules reversing the flow of decay and ceasing of life can be viewed as man himself rising above the elements and taking its cues from society and the state of the world that its our destiny to rise up in the world and turn our lives into something amazing out of nothing just as the dust turns to leaves and moistens the veins and breathes life back into the tree the same way we as individuals breathe life into our existence.

Your desire to change the end of this only goes to show that your subconscious mind and hidden insight is yet untapped and full of inspiration and guidance for you to further your work. Just because you yourself or others may not see it sometimes doesn't mean its not there just as our chakras and energies are unseen doesn't mean they don't exist. I really think you have a lot of hidden potential wolf and Id love to review some of your future work should you choose to pursue it.

If you would like to continue on your own or perhaps maybe start an online portfolio I'm sure you can progress and be even greater in the future. Thank you for writing and giving me a chance to review it myself :)

WildHeart09
Posts: 16
Joined: Tue Oct 24, 2017 2:39 am

Unread post Tue Oct 24, 2017 2:58 am

Very deep, you could really feel the emotion while reading the poem. Great Job! :)

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