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This is hard to explain (trigger warning)

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harlansnowy
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Jan 19, 2018 1:05 am

Unread post Fri Jan 19, 2018 1:21 am

trigger warning: suicide, sexual assault, drugs

I started seeing people die when I was 9.
This is a long read and I apologize but I just want to try something new and share about this. Like the subject says, this is hard to explain so I'll do my best to make sense of it for everyone.
It first happened when I was in class, during work time. One second I was looking down at multiplication in a quiet room, and then all of a sudden I was hearing a faint chorus of voices and sounds, like listening to music from another room. But it was all kinds of noise, voices, guttural sounds, some screams, other various things. Clangs and thuds and stuff.
When I looked up, I noticed that everyone looked blurry from the neck up. Funnily enough, my first thought was that I was dreaming, so I didn’t think much of it, but when I looked at specific people, certain noises became much clearer, specific to each person. I couldn’t make out much of anything, but I remember feeling uncomfortable listening to the noises coming from the “blurriness”, because I heard each person’s voice, but older sounding, yelling, or screaming, or gasping, what have you. I saw it in teachers and other adults, too, but to a lesser extent.
I went the rest of that day thinking I was dreaming, but what really scared me was when I looked at my parents and heard them both screaming in pain. The sounds never really go away even now, by the way. They just change in volume and content depending on who’s around. When I’m alone and away from people, it’s quietest.
I had a nightmare that first night, one that’s become recurring since then. I have it a couple times a month and it’s always the same. At first, it was just me feeling terrified like I’ve never been before, but there’s nothing to see and the only thing I hear is a lot of crashing and a scream. Since then it’s become a lot clearer, and I realize that I’m seeing my own death in a car accident, at night, on a country road I haven’t seen before, with someone I don’t know screaming beside me.
I started getting scared when I woke up from that nightmare and realized I still heard my parents screaming. Seeing them, the blurriness now seemed a little different, clearer, but it still didn’t look like much.
Over the course of a few days, the blurriness over people became less hazy, but it’s still a “mish mash” of things. The best way I can describe it is like watching every frame of a scene in a TV show all at once, but each individual frame cycles forward to the next, all on top of each other. And once I realized that, I started to feel a constant sense of dread, or anger, or sadness, whenever I was around people. I couldn’t literally see things, but I could watch the blur on people and recognize, mentally somehow, that I was watching their death. I "see" it play in my head, and I feel the emotions that go along with it as if I’m the one dying.
I saw my best friend getting flattened by a snow plough.
I saw my math teacher hanging off his balcony.
I saw a custodian having a heart attack.
I saw overdoses in other kids and strangers before I even understood what an overdose was.
I saw a few unspeakable things that I don't like to think about.
I saw my parents dying in a fire.
When I told my parents that, they took me to a psychiatrist (I saw him having a heart attack over and over), and I was diagnosed with a disorder I don’t think is relevant to share anymore. Hallucinations, delusions, those were the symptoms. Basically, I learned my brain was malfunctioning in some way, and best I could do was try and manage it with medication. Antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds, and others. Nothing helped, but my parents had me keep taking them in hope it would.
A few months later, my psychiatrist died of a heart attack. Months after that, a sub replaced my math teacher and no staff would talk about it, it was very creepy and had me scared. Then my best friend showed me an obituary he found while looking up the teacher. He had hanged himself on his balcony, just like I saw.
After that suicide, I stopped taking meds (I tucked the pills under my tongue and then flushed them down the toilet when my parents weren’t watching). One day I told my parents it was all better, and I felt so terrible when they believed me. No more meds since then.
It continued like that for years, and by the time I entered high school, I couldn’t stand to be around people or make friends, because death literally always hung over them, and the feelings were overwhelming. Not to mention that I can’t usually see people’s faces because the blur plays over them. I drifted away from my best friend and didn’t really have much of a life, and schoolwork wasn’t a priority for me. I was too busy trying to cope with my constant hallucinations, trying to figure out why I have them. I spent a lot of time alone, drinking in secret. It numbed the pain for a while, but now it just makes me more anxious.
When I was 16, my old best friend was hit and killed by a snow plough that lost control. I wasn’t surprised.
I got my license (driving is a nightmare), got a job cooking in a restaurant, started saving up, and as soon as I was 18, I moved out and into my own apartment, and that’s where I am now, at 20. I can’t stand to be in touch with my parents, knowing what awaits them, and I don’t think they’re comfortable being in touch with me, their crazy failure of a son. I talk to my coworkers sometimes, but never sustain anything outside of work, because it’s draining enough to see a suicide by gunshot, a drunken car accident, a heroin overdose, a fatal slip and fall on ice, r*pe and murder, and dying in a hospital bed from lung cancer all day long. Sometimes I wonder if I should tell my coworker to stop smoking.
I’m trapped in a waking hell, and the irony is that I can’t even bring myself to end it, because I'm more scared than ever of dying, seeing it around me all the time. That's probably the one plus side to this nightmare. I just wanted to share, see how it's received. Thanks for listening if you read this far

Ironghost
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Oct 12, 2017 12:45 am

Unread post Mon Jan 22, 2018 5:01 pm

Okay I wanted to say that I am going to reply to this in sections to make sure that I'm able to reply to everything possible. With that being said You have a lot going on and I hope you find a method that works to give you a peace of mind. Either way I'm glad you reached out to someone and vented about your issue if what you say is true. Don't take my skepticism as a shot at you or me saying that what you say is either a lie or a misdiagnoses of the issue you have. With this being the Internet and the topics this site tend to cater to I see things that could often be explainable through normal non paranormal means. I will say that I will give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you are telling us what you feel to be true. With the issues you laid out in this thread I feel you should find ways to unload some of the stress that you may be harboring before it becomes a issue you can't deal with. If that means you communicate more on this site to feel better then by all means post away to your hearts content. There are a lot of good people on here that I know you ultimately love it here.

Anyways here goes.



***I want to say first off never apologize for being long winded with anything you post on here. In my opinion regardless of how factual a post is on a forum that a person actually posted instead of a simple copy and paste job. The longer the thread the more time that person spent typing on it and I appreciate it when the person takes more then just a line or two for a thread. That's why I tend to gravitate more towards longer threads.

This is an odd thing to be experiencing at a young age. In the paranormal scope of things I would talk to the mediums on this site to get guidances to control this. It's out of my wheel of knowledge so I will stay out of that aspect because I do not want to steer you in the wrong direction. With that being said at first I thought it might have been your imagination getting the best of you. A part of me wants to still think that. However I thin some of the coincidences make this hard to say that it's just your imagination getting the best of you. So I put that theory to the side and wondered if there was something traumatic that occurred that you might have repressed to the back of your mind. I don't want to push you in this department since I'm not a professional and don't want to do any damage. I also wondered if you might have developed a medical condition like a tumor or something like that. It's possible with some of the symptoms to have something that could be explained through something like a cat scan. I would be tempted to get a scan or try to figure out every means of theories before I went with the paranormal aspects. I feel this way because you might have a medical condition that might become dangerous if gone untreated. Imo Don't get me wrong communicate with more knowledgeable people in the paranormal field because they might have the answers that neither of us don't.

** I don't care how old you are this would be a nightmare to experience with or without the knowledge of whats going on hear the noises and seeing the blurriness like you are claiming. You say that when you're alone you say that's when it's quietest. If I'm reading that part correctly what are you hearing then. If what you say is true you're only seeing/hearing people at the moment of their death. With that being said I can't see how you could be sensing anything. The only thing that may be the result of you still hearing something if you look at it in the paranormal realm of things is you are sensing people close by that you're unaware is close to you. The best way to test this is to go out in the middle of nowhere that you know for a fact no humans are anywhere close to you and see if you still sense anything. I also wonder if you ever sense the same thing with animals.

**Even though you have given some details on the nightmare that you've been having. I would recommend that you sit down and write out a description as detailed as you can and post it in one of the sections and have it analyzed by someone that's good at analyzing dreams. The fact your parents can cause the blurriness to be altered a little bit makes me wonder the cause of the blurriness. I know that you stated that you went to receive help on this whole issue. I will wait until I reach that point to make a comment on this.

**I can see the imaginary of the tv explanation and that would be trippy to experience regardless of all the other symptoms in my opinion. You say that you went to a Psychiatrist and they diagnosed you with a disorder that you don't feel is relevant anymore. I kinda want to know what they said was wrong with you. I won't pry on what that may have been since it's something that is not anyones business but your own. Depending on what they prescribed you the fact they didn't feel like they were working could easily mean that either you didn't take them long enough or the dosage wasn't strong enough. Sometimes you have to try different dosages in order to get it zero'd in on what works for you. My theory is starting to be plausible to what is probably wrong with you. I would recommend getting a scan or check up to make sure it isn't something wrong that's going unchecked. You didn't say how long you took the medication before you stopped taking it. I would try taking the medication for a couple months to see if it helps. If it seems like it isn't working then talk to a professional an tell them how things are going. They might be able to find a solution that will put your mind at ease. You do have some interesting events occurring that's played out according to the visions that you've seen when you look at that person. I'm kinda curious if it only works if they are in person or can you see someone in a picture or video dieing. I also wonder if it only works if the person is alive or can you see from an old photo how the person died. These are a few things I wonder when I try to look at this from a paranormal view. Not know your parents I can not or will not try to venture on whether they believed you or not. I will give them the benefit of the doubt and say that they did believe you of feeling better. How ever there is a chance that they felt helpless and wanted to believe that it was true and didn't want to feel helpless in the fact there wasn't anything they can do to help out their son. As a parent of four kids I can see how they would feel helpless in making it possible for them to have you feeling better.

A plaguing question that has gotten me wondering more than anything when you said you got a cooking job in a restaurant. How are you able to do your job with the high traffic of people you will experience through out your shift regardless of the size of the place where you work. I have been a cook several times when I was younger. Some of the places were as small as only having a dozen tables to a couple hundred. In everyone of the places there was always a high level of traffic from staff or the customers. Not only that but the amount of detail you have to be a cook is pretty high no matter what. I also want to know that out of everyone that you saw die why did you not see any of them die of natural causes like old age, in their sleep etc? From the information you gave in this thread everyone of them met their end in a violent death of some sort from suicide,automotive accidents,etc. While it's true that some people will die in these means but we all know that not everyone will die like this that you meet. I know it's painful to think of the visions of how your parents are going to die. I want to stress that you avoiding them will do more damage than the visions you see of them in my opinion. It may just be my opinion that while you may be correct with the visions of them. I get the feeling that the fact you struggle with your issue like you do might play an bigger role in why you stay away from them. You don't want them to see you in your condition so you avoid them so you can keep it to yourself. I want to stress it to you that you should try to spend as much time with them as you can. They might be able to help you deal with this a lot easier than what you have been doing. Also the fact they may not be here tomorrow is a bigger reason why you should spend time with them. They may not be here tomorrow and you will wish they were and there isn't anything you can do about it. I want to plead that you get out there and get professional help to deal with these issues because it only gets heavier the more you try to hold it in. You may not know me but I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. There is also a lot of people on this site that care as well that will have no problem helping you out if you need an ear to talk into.
Thanks,
Iron

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