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Something I want to share -- my ten year old self, staying behind to protect?

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littleoc
Posts: 29
Joined: Thu Mar 01, 2018 10:21 pm

Unread post Thu Mar 01, 2018 11:04 pm

I would like to share something rather personal, in the hopes of helping others but also because I'm confused by it and would maybe like your thoughts. I'm not sure, but I do know what I felt. And I know you will understand, at least.

As oc I was very willing to share anything that didn't relate to my direct identity -- as in I'd talk about my knowledge and experience and opinions, but never my gender, and only over time my age. Certainly never what I'd been through. So, uh, trigger warning? To those who knew me as oc (if you remember :P ), sorry about that. I couldn't say it because it has the ability to ruin the way people see the world -- so I thought.

I prefer to see the beauty in this world.

Long background story short (non graphic, I promise):
When I was ten, I was kidnapped by my neighbor across the street. My dad orchestrated it in order to get attention. My dad isn't right in the head. A literal psychopath. Anyway, I spent a year as a child with this pedophile and unsurprisingly I now have cPTSD.

With a heavy diagnosis like that, I was always worried people would care less about what I had to say. They'd attribute it to my injured brain.

Okay. Now time for the real story.

I still live in my childhood home. My neighbor's house? Right across the street. I ignore it when I walk my dog (same dog I had when I first joined this site!! She's a certified service dog now!).

But the other night, I saw another dog out while we were walking.

To help the dog, I had to walk right up to my kidnapper's front door.

It's across the street from my house, where I'm living right now. My kidnapper no longer lives there, but that house haunts me. I don't like seeing it.

The family living there now has several dogs. One of them escaped and came up to my service dog and I. That's the dog I saw during our walk. His whole underbelly was wet from digging a hole under their fence, and he was so sweet. A beagle mix, so sure to disappear after a scent if I didn't help him get home.

And, of course, tornado-y weather on the way. Not good weather to be out in!

I tried to get the service dog into my house while holding the other dog's flea collar, but he really didn't want to come up my driveway and I wasn't going to force him. So I called my mom and asked her to help. I told her to get my dog and put her inside (long story short) so I could try to convince this little doggo to go to his home with me.

The service dog was crying a bit. She knew. I HATE that house. But I needed this dog to be safe. If you're a dog lover, you get it!

I made it to the front door. I felt sick. Incredibly sick, and started getting heartburn that was so bad that I thought I was going to throw up. The vibes from that house? Most likely, just my own reaction.

The first person to hear me knock... was a young girl. Pre-teen or young teen.

That scared me, a lot. And she looked suspicious and worried.

I feared for her, so badly it hurt. I was so worried someone was hurting her, as if the house itself was cursed. Like IT was the reason an evil man had once resided there.

Then the mom came out. Thanked us profusely, had a nice chat with us until my mom couldn't stand any more. Everything was fine and I was so proud to have been able to do something that difficult for a doggy friend.

I ignored thoughts of my kidnapper. This wasn't my kidnapper. And that girl was okay. Not kidnapped.

And -- I had the weirdest sensation while I was there. That the kidnapper's spirit wasn't the one in there, nor his dead mom's -- but my own? A ten year old girl's? And she was keeping the youngest girl in that house safe.

Made me feel sick but much better. Weird feeling!

I know what I felt, though it confuses me.
was oc :peace:

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