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Being the stranger that smiles.

Good or bad - a problem shared is a problem halved.

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Bumblebee
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue May 09, 2017 2:19 pm

Unread post Fri Aug 18, 2017 9:16 am

I came to a realization today, and I wanted to share it to see what others feel.

There is this cycle in my life, an endless one.
I meet someone, we have a good time, we connect, we care for each other, I open up and show myself, then I am abandoned.
Again and again.
With opening up I mean 'sharing my life story', which is, in all honesty a bit heavy in nature. It contains alcoholic parents, being abandoned by family as a child, being chronically ill.
People leave, when I share that. I guess they do not like it (I do not like it either).
So what is that? everybody tells me to open up, to share who I am, to talk about my problems, to trust.
But again and again when I do so, I am punished with abandonment.

Today I was sitting, doing nothing but feeling the pain of recent abandonment once more, and trying to understand.. trying to understand why. Feeling like giving up.
My cat walked in right in that moment, and decided to lay down right beside me, placed his little head on my arm. He completely relaxed and seemed to feel total and complete peace and love. I massaged his little head and felt so much love back.
Then something popped up in my mind "there is no story".
There is no story.
When an animal loves a person, and the person loves back, then there is no story. Nothing but love. No yesterday and tomorrow. No words either.

There is a curious thing that always made me wonder.
When I make friends with someone, and share my life with them, they leave. So they do not like me anymore then.

When I walk on the street, and see a stranger, I often get smiles from them. Strangers like me.... how odd.
When I see a child, I get the biggest smiles. The child likes me.. how?
When I walk in the park and pet a dog, the dog is over the moon and wants to play, he likes me.
When I visit someone and the cat of the house jumps on my lap, to cuddle and purr.. the cat likes me.

When there is no story, people like me. When there is no story they see only someone gentle and friendly. People usually like me right away. They seem to trust me right away, feel free to share themselves right away. But as soon as I share as well.. they leave.

So should I stop telling my story? And only be the gentle stranger that smiles?
I already hear people saying 'no! you should be who you really are!"..
But truly.. that does not work. My life story makes me less likable. Maybe some life stories are too heavy to tell. Maybe people run away from that.
I should leave the 'maybe'.
"People run away from that."

I actually do not mind being the gentle smiling person with no story. But.. I do have past pain I need to work on. And sometimes I long for some help, or for 'someone' to just care, some company along the way.

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Samanthaj
Posts: 999
Joined: Fri Apr 07, 2017 5:19 am

Unread post Sat Aug 19, 2017 1:40 am

Hugs Bumblebee

I agree with the last part.. the part you mention where everyone trusts you immediately and seems to take to you well. I feel you give off very soothing and friendly energy (without reading you) and that you are a likeable person.

Yes...it's true. People run away when certain things are discussed. I've experienced this and also no longer share my story unless i'm 100% sure that the person is going to be receptive to it in some way. I hate to say ''they mustn't care'' as that's not necessarily true.. but there is still so much stigma around certain life-events (stories/experiences) and we find people want to run, as though we're going to contaminate them.
The important thing is to realize it's not you. There is no problem with you at all. And it's a great thing you've attempted to be open in sharing (even, talking) about some of your experiences

I have found that now.... whilst some will respond with some curiosity (which is fine) or respond with general comments (''sorry to hear that'' ) I feel more comfortable sharing with people who have been through similar. It's tough when there are a few people in mind who we know we can trust... but to have to worry about them avoiding...

Avoidance, same as when someone dies... we have phone calls, cards , visits.. and suddenly, everyone wants to avoid as they don't know what to say to us. I think that's often an issue... they panic on the spot, have no idea what to do or say, so all they can find to do is avoid......
There are some who genuinely care and want to listen, but may freeze in fear. They could be panicking for example.. that they may say something to offend you. Is why I think it's good to learn active listening in general. In the end, as you know.. it's not to find a solution, but for someone to listen. Just having that someone listen is pretty special

The cats, children and strangers smiling at you? --- well.. the animals and the babies they see beyond. They don't judge. They see the real you and your intentions .... and they like it. Because you are a genuinely nice person.
Strangers? they take one look at you and feel you are friendly- hence the smile. :hugs:

Do I think you should stop sharing your story? .... Nope

Why?..... Because out there in the city are many other gentle smiling strangers who have a story, and are feeling this way too..... and they need to find you and you them
Nobody should suffer in silence... ever
I also think that in future, it's going to be important that new friends will be accepting of your story. What happened to you is awful, and it's not and never was your choice to have it still affect you today (Can relate a lot to this)... It's not your choice and it's not like a rucksack you can just take off and leave. It's going to take time and you really do need people/friends / close ones who understand that you need someone to listen... to believe you..to help you heal...

Have you ever considered or attended therapy of any kind? Just wondering as I do see and feel your frustration at nobody listening. I know therapy doesn't work for everyone and I know it's nothing compared to loved ones being the ones who are there to listen. But I know this is really getting you down and the sense/reality of abandonment by others. It's awful going through this, even worse going through it alone. Could you/ do you think maybe it's a good idea to seek therapy ?? Just a thought bee... hugs :thinktank:

It's quite late here and so I may be rambling a bit..but wanted to say this .. if you need to talk your'e always welcome to PM me or come and join us in the chat rooms. We have so many lovely people in chat who would be supportive. And remember the bee and frog totems :thumbsup:

I' ve been doing totem readings recently. If you ever would like one let me know. Would be happy to :o)


Please don't ever be silenced or feel that you have to mask to the world. There are a few of us who would happily sit with you and listen ..

This stigma needs breaking & by even posting that above, you're helping to break it.
Nobody .. no survivor of any kind should ever feel silenced

Hope you have a better weekend Bee....take care for now. If we can help in any way, we're here. :thinktank:

Samj
"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - A. A. Milne

light
Posts: 8
Joined: Sun Jul 30, 2017 2:17 am

Unread post Sat Aug 19, 2017 2:52 am

Bumblebee, it took alot of courage to even write those words, you should never be afraid to speak who you are and where you came from. I agree with Samanthaj, you are that smiling, kind face that attracts people, comforts them and makes them feel safe. You have a story but here's the twist, with all that you've been through, your spirit Still shines through with warmth and welcoming that few can claim to still have. Regardless of your past. I'm a firm believer that by simply saying or writing your feelings down, it helps with healing. It helps you to see that you're dealing with those emotions and even if its just a start, you acknowledged it. I know it can't be easy to feel abandoned, know that there are many out there just waiting to meet you (like myself and others here) that you can freely talk.

Dealing with that past pain is a long process, but you don't have to be alone in it. It may not be easy to put trust in others after your recent experiences but just have faith that you are Brave. Simply by opening yourself up, not everyone has the maturity or empathy to continue the lines of communication. Like Samanthaj said, fear is a beast, your past is your past, your path is meant to take you beyond that. I truly wish the best for you and hope tomorrow is a better day :)

light

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