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Finding my own truth

What are your personal beliefs, please share in your thoughts.

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D3F3ND3R
Posts: 66
Joined: Sat Oct 14, 2017 11:08 pm

Thu May 09, 2019 2:26 am

Through my school days I was mostly silent, sit in the back of the class and watch others, never taking a step outside of my comfort zone and finding peace and solace alone at home where i spent a vast majority of my life living through technology, playing everything from Nintendo to ps3 and learning from technology instead of from the biased opinions of society.

I lived in seclusion entirely until the age of 19 and was used to being a people pleaser and just telling others what they wanted to hear, a person whom always wanted to be seen as a "part of the pack", always wanting to be accepted by everyone I came across without question not realizing it was an impossible goal.

After my father passed away from COPD that life quickly changed as i had nothing to hold me back once i got a job and transportation.

I put my time into having multiple partners that i felt little connection to, keeping the roads hot, doing drugs, pleasing people who just would turn around and speak behind your back for a laugh and a backwards hazing but still I did what others did, i played the game of social acceptance and irrational actions that was hurting not only myself but my family as well for seeing too much value in the few that didn't care and too little value in those that did, sacrificing my self respect and my own sense of value at the whims of the spiteful & careless.

That ended at the age of 24 - I was lost in a life of drug consumption and pleasing the people that cared very little for my own sense of self. I was hanging out with an old high school friend that i wont name and we were doing multiple drugs - amphetamine, cocaine, and marijuana.

It was from friday to a sunday that this was going on, it started gradually but quickly drifted into a haze of bad choices and timelessness. The marijuana was purposefully "laced" without telling me and afterwards I was recorded tripping out and doing the unspeakable that i wont share by the same person i called "friend". The video was put on social media and it ruined my life, it was just a joke to nearly everyone involved and i was left to pick up the pieces.

Upon realizing what had happened i had a mental breakdown that caused me to go entirely numb and drifted into just a shell of a person, my heart racing, my gaze was lifeless and blank. I was there in body but my mind was miles away and in deep contemplation of shame/guilt unable to grasp what was happening around me.

I was just sitting there on the outside veranda - i wouldnt respond to any type of stimulus as they tried to speak with me, i started seeing ripples and lights forming in the air and heard voices from the people there that were simply garbled out and inaudable.

After a couple of hours i was starting to faze back into a sort of "autopilot" and was taken home - though the whole trip was difficult to remember. I spent the next 2-3 weeks in a strong haze that slipped from my memory nearly entirely.

All that was painfully apparent was everyones reactions/their words/staring and smirks that they knew what had happened, all i could hear were the whispers of other peoples thoughts that were only hateful and judgemental. My friends from social media forgot about me from that point on, my family themselves disregarded me and spoke about helping me and put me into an institution after the first year for suicidal ideations.

It took 3 years in an ongoing depression/madness to come out of it finally, I stopped thinking singularly and started working for others as much as myself having had a spiritual awakening that helped me to piece myself back together again and found what i percieve to be God.

I realized that entire time that i had been initially numbed from the experience and carried through my daily life as i had been lost in myself for quite some time and through those 3 years i kept asking myself questions and wondering why i had been so wronged by those people, why i was the way i was, why i never fully understood my actions and the pain i intentionally caused myself, where i was heading and where i could no longer go now that i had been broken out of my illusion.

It was just a never ending string of questions and dead ended answers that seemed to last forever.

I realized that through those 24 years i had worn a mask to please others, never truly knowing myself and never finding value in what i actually had or whom was available to help me through the worst of it.

I had awoken to a life of positive living and finally found who i truly was and started life new and fresh without any preconcieved notions that had been filled into me by those who didnt really care in school and even in certain parts of my family. All my preconditionings and memories of all the pain/anger/sorrow/guilt etc had mostly been "wiped clean" and the parts that didnt i felt absolutely nothing about anymore, i remembered some but there was no longer any emotional attachment.

I honestly felt like i had been given a fresh start, no worries or false ideas of the world to hold me back anymore - I forgave all the people from my past and simply let them go and went on my way. I started over the years becoming more and more spiritual and now have multiple media outlets where i share my version of truth and respite to those that need it.

I left a life of common social media, video games, nearly complete physical seclusion that i had held onto for so long and started researching everything from psychology/therapy to multiple religions/kundalini/divination and beyond, slowly beginning to put myself out there in the right places and under the proper context.

All the questions of life, society, the universe itself being just an open gap left for me to fill up through my own dedicated practice and inspiration to know more so i can spread it with the hopes of gaining that same acceptance the right way instead of through the life i once led.

Now im happier and more free than ive ever felt, spending my time in dedication and study, slowly building a new life of higher learning and living justifiably under my new found perception that was gifted to me through divine intervention in my time of greatest need.

Thx for reading.

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